2005-05-23 @ 9:54 p.m.
equality
I'm angry with my aunt. Em's mom, the one who offered to let me stay with her if I was having a rough time. She says I should tell my Aunt D about the baby. Well, I haven't because I haven't seen her since last August or spoken to her since last September. She's divorced from my uncle so I used to try to see her whenever I could. Also, I must not have to tell her because someone has already informed Aunt D's best friend. How do I know this? She sent me an email saying she supports me, but she's disappointed in me, and I should break up with Tom for the baby's sake because he's horrible. The only information she has about Tom came from me in February of last year. At the time, we were having issues and I was grossly exaggerating his faults. And we did break up for a week or so, but no one really knows about that. We got together and we haven't had problems like that since. But of course, Aunt D's friend doesn't care about that and wouldn't believe/understand me if I tried to explain. I should also mention that Aunt D's friend speaks from experience. She got married at 17 and had her first child. She divorced his father and later remarried, had another son, and divorced his father. She does not have many good experiences. But that does not have to apply to me. Besides, people need to make their own experiences and mistakes, if they are destined to be made. If Tom is a mistake, I will find out on my own in the future and deal with it then. Why kill happiness while you have it? Especially if it has the potential to last forever?
Anyway, I wrote my Aunt ME and told her I did not see the necessity of telling Aunt D. She already must know and I didn't need the lecture. I did not mean to insinuate that those were my only reasons. I haven't seen or talked to her in awhile and I also don't feel as close to her as I was when I was little. When I do see her, it's maybe once or twice a year. I want to let her live her own life. She's moved on since the divorce and sometimes I feel like I'm clinging. She has a boyfriend and he has kids and I feel like I'm competing for attention. I'm older now and I understand why I feel that way. It's ok with me. But Aunt ME assumed my only reason for not telling Aunt D were because I didn't want a lecture. She basically told me I was being selfish and I was obviously unprepared for this child. She said if I didn't want Aunt D ragging on me, then she would do it. What kind of a thing to say is that? I didn't feel I have to tell her all my reasons for not doing something that is none of her business. I am not being selfish, it will not hurt or help my baby if my Aunt knows or doesn't know about him. If I felt it was in my child's best interests for my Aunt to know about him, then I would tell her. And I am so sick of people telling me I am unprepared for this baby. They have no real reasons to think this. Everyone tells me I will be a great mother and I believe I will be without them saying anything. Of course I'm a little unprepared. I have no supplies as of yet since I have had no baby shower yet. I'm low on money except for what I myself have saved in the bank. Is any mother ever really prepared for a child?
I am pissed because she had no right to say I was unprepared. She didn't mean the kind of "unprepared" that is ok to mention, which I just did. She meant I'm not ready for motherhood. Which hurts. And is not true. Just because I am 17, people cannot tell me I can't do this. If I can carry this baby, I can do it. I hate it when people judge my decisions and when they don't see it from my point of view they call me selfish. You know what irks me more? My mother doesn't say any of those things to me. The person who knows me best of anyone in my family, the woman who bore and raised me, has given me nothing but encouragement and positive reinforcement. She's excited to be a grandmother. She makes jokes about my pregnancy pains and cravings. Don't you think if I was truly making bad decisions, that for some reason I could not see, my mother would tell me? I am sick of people telling me I am wrong. I do have the capacity to tell when I have made a mistake. I also have the capacity to feel guilt. I wish people would just ignore the number for once and think of me as a woman. If I have the ability to carry a child, am ready to have sex, then I am also ready to accept the responsibility of motherhood.
I am not open to non-constructive criticism from other parents. I do not need advice if I haven't asked for it. I don't need my decisions and actions to be evaluated for me. Just because I am younger, that does not mean I need someone breathing down my neck. So it stands to reason that of course I will become bitter and eventually rude. I admit, I did react rudely to Aunt ME. I do feel slightly guilty. But mostly angry at the unwanted intrusion.
Someone tell me that I am not being unreasonable. Someone tell me that they've felt the same way, reacted the same way.
I wish I had written this better. It's so long because I found it difficult to describe. My anger is more shapely in my mind than it is written out. I think this is good enough. I know you know what I'm talking about at least. By the way, I'm changing my email. I'll let you know what it is when I do. Have a nice evening. Take a chill pill.
